"A beautiful blonde was coming down the street the other day. I’m compelled to look into those magnificent eyes, but she is walking with a dead ahead stare.

She has pointy boots on that could KICK THE SHIT OUT OF ME, and an i-Pod blares into her ears, so I don’t have a chance to say “hello”. What an attitude. And as she passes me by, I realize that women contradict themselves all the time.

You mean you go out and buy those provocative clothes not to get noticed? The male member is not supposed to perk up and move when a gorgeous female specimen is in his sight line? COME ON!!!

You took the time to look so comely. You’re getting much deserved recognition. Lose the armor! Lighten up! Ditch the pointy boots, and the I-pod, turn it down. Listen to the call of the wild. Soften the face because tense muscles will constipate you, and enjoy. You’re only young and beautiful once. In 20 years…well gravity is never kind.

And when that time comes, and nobody is looking your way, please don’t tell me that some part of you doesn’t wish you lost a little bit of your armor, once upon a time when you were a fox."

Tom's View on "After the Relationship"

"On the sexual scoreboard of life gentlemen (and I use this term loosely) you will always be down by one and let me tell you why.

Let me paint a picture for you.

First date, kiss.
Second date, kissing for about and hour
Third date, invitation upstairs.

Weeks pass. "SEX"  Months go by. "SEX". 6 months. "SEX". 10 months, well you get the picture. One Year: you have had sex in hallways, alleyways, public bathrooms, in every room and position available including your fire escape and his office desk. Proposal.

Mind Blowing sex. Wedding. Sex. Honeymoon. Sex. Buy a house. Sex in every room sex.  Fast forward. Marriage – Sex – Pregnancy – CHILDREN. Your whole life has changed right before your very own eyes and what’s even worse is that the body you once knew has now been infested with breast milk, cellulite, a post pregnancy pouch and fifteen extra pounds.

Lets add to the list: home school meetings, soccer practice, dance class, Brownies, Cub Scouts, T-ball, in-laws, family gatherings, play dates, car pool, basketball, gymnastics, ice skating, hockey, work at 8, home by 4, dinner at 7, baths at 8, stories and tuck-in at 8:30. Rewind and replay.

Well nothing has happened to you. YOU are still the same lazy piece of crap momma’s boy you were when you lived with your mother.

Here’s a wake up call: I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. And YOUR life IS NOT the same. Why have I changed…its called MARRIAGE. Its called CHILDREN. And although you may seem to think so, I AM NOT YOUR INDENTURED SERVANT!"

Suzanne's View on "Approach|Technique"

TOP TEN HE SAID  /  SHE SAID'S

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."       
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who would look for that?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the Hallway light on.

And the number 1 "He said...She said"...

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there

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Relationship Advice

 
Robin Gorman-Newman 
 

David Wygant

Dr. Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D.